We Need Better Hurricane Names

I have no idea if we are still in ‘Hurricane Season’ or not, but I have noticed an alarming trend this year with hurricanes. No, not the fact that they’re getting more common and more dangerous than ever. I’m talking about the absolute dumpster fire of names they’re getting.

I saw this tweet today and audibly went “Oh no…well that’s not gonna work…”

Larry? Really? That was the best we had on the list? Fucking Lawrence? Come on guys. We have to be better. How can you expect anyone to take a hurricane seriously when it’s named Larry. If you tell me Hurricane Larry is coming, I’m going to laugh in your face and think of this…

See the source image

Seriously though, whose job is it to name these things? And yes I know I could simply google the answer to that question, but I refuse to. I shouldn’t even have to ask the question because it shouldn’t even be an issue. Under no circumstances should a HURRICANE have a normal ass name like Larry. Do you know the definition of a hurricane?

Well, I googled THAT and this is what I got: an extremely large, powerful, and destructive storm with very strong winds of 74 MPH or more. Now tell me, does that sound like a Larry to you? And it’s not just this one. Let’s run back some of the recent uncreative names we’ve given to these destructive forces of natures:

Dorian, Ida, Zeta, Michael, Sally, Laura, Florence, fuckin’ Barry! You telling me these are the ABSOLUTE BEST that we could do? No. I refuse to believe that.

Whoever is in charge of giving these names needs to be fired immediately. If it’s some sort of ensemble of so-called smart people, get rid of the whole lot of ’em. Hire one person (me) to come up with the names from here on out. If it’s NOT me, make sure it’s someone who has some awareness of just how badass hurricanes are. I mean, we need names that strike fear into the hearts of people so they take them seriously and flee to safety! We’re talking about saving lives here!

And since I know the secret shadow government keeps tabs on me, I’ll leave you with a few examples for the future. For free. You’re welcome.

  1. Bloodrain
  2. Razor
  3. Destructo
  4. Goliath
  5. Darkness
  6. Despair
  7. Killshot
  8. Deathstride
  9. Annihilation
  10. Shitstorm

One thought on “We Need Better Hurricane Names

  1. I agree. They have come up with some wimpy names for hurricanes lately. (I remember a time when they all had feminine names.) I like your list better. i would add Medusa and Jezebel to the list. I’d leave off Fred and Harry, although Harry could be very scary.


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