PokéTheory #1: The Great War

I love Pokémon. When my little pokeballs were starting to drop as a kid, playing Pokémon games and collecting the cards was my entire life. I distinctly remember trading one of my neighbors a Rattata and some energy cards for his holographic Venusaur only to have his mom Dikembe Mutombo that shit and nix the entire thing. It was devastating. I mean, yes I was pulling some used car salesman bullshit (which is ironic because I grew up to BE a car salesman) but still, I wanted the card and we worked out a trade. Who was she to tear up a deal that made both sides happy! To this day I still don’t have a Venusaur and it hurts to admit that so let’s just move on..

I decided to start a series of PokéBlogs about all the bizarre, crazy, wild PokéTheories I’ve heard and seen over the years. And yes, there will be a lot of “Poké” words made up throughout so if that rubs you the wrong way, I suggest you PokéGetTheFuckOut of here.

And let me tell ya, there are a BUNCH of weird theories floating around. Some seem so spot on that they have to be true, some require a bit of dot connecting and some are just completely bonkers. So I figured we’d start with one I’ve heard for a very long time now. And in what will be an underlying theme you’ll start to see, this one is kind of dark..


You ever wonder why there’s so few adult males in the Pokémon World? Of course you have. Whether we’re talking games or the show, you pretty much only see a bunch of teens/pre-teens, adult women and elderly people. Other than Gym Leaders and bad guys, there’s a serious lack of Y chromosomes in the PokéWorld.

Other than Ash’s dad being MIA (which has an entirely separate theory attached to it), the Great War rumor starts when you get to Vermillion City and go to the gym. You remember the Vermillion Gym, the one with all those god forsaken trash cans with switches in them where you had to hit two trash can switches back to back or else the entire thing resets?

If I had to pinpoint a moment in time where my anger issues started, this would be that moment. But anyway, once you suffered through that process and get to Gym Leader Lt. Surge, he drops this interesting quote before battling you:

It doesn’t stop there with Surge though. In the Generation V games (yes, I know most of us stopped after Gen III) there is an event called the Pokémon World Tournament where some gym leaders from the past come to battle. And when Lt. Surge is brought up, it’s insinuated that he’s from the Unova Region. And in the Unova Region’s history, it’s said that there was a giant war in which that region was a part of.

And I know you’re probably saying to yourself “Well where are all the other adult males who were in the war!?” Well…they dead. And how did Surge survive? In the Gen III games, in Lt. Surges bio, he’s touted for his “caution in the army” which may explain why he survived while many others did not.


Kanto and Unova aren’t the only regions in the PokéWorld that we know of obviously. Johto is sitting out there as well. It’s easy to assume Kanto also went to war with Johto (and won) due to the similarity in how each region is run with stores/culture/stories/language/etc. Unova on the other hand may have just straight up lost the war and got blown to hell which is why Surge came to Kanto and why you never go there in the games. There’s also a region brought up in later generations that is now, for all intents and purposes, a barren wasteland with very little population. So maybe Kanto demolished that place as well!

Now what would be some side effects from this war? How about the fact that every town or city has a Gym? And almost every single kid you meet in some sort of Pokémon trainer? To me, that’s a region that is staying ready so they don’t have to get ready for another all out war. And maybe the leaders in the Pokémon League were some of the high ranking military officials that survived or are some of the trainers who give trainers their final test to see if they’re eligible for the draft if that day comes again.

How about the fact that there’s so much criminal activity? Team Rocket and Giovanni don’t just spring up in a society unless said society is already in turmoil.…..turmoil caused by a REGION THAT WAS AT WAR. Criminal groups rise to prominence during leaderless chaos. And with most of the able bodied men out fighting the war, no one was there to stop these crime syndicates from reigning terror.

And let’s talk about Kanto itself. Why so many underground tunnels hmm? Almost as if they were built as bunkers to move children and elderly to a safe spot while the world was warring right above them. Or possibly even used in a military strategy to plan a sneak attack on invading opposing forces! And why does every city or town seem to have a fence built around it or have a body of water/mountain range on the outskirts of it? One could say that was done strategically in hopes to slow down the enemy if another war happens to plague this land again.

How about Mewtwo? We all remember this guy…girl…non-binary creature!

The man-made, genetically superior super Pokémon that can control the minds of people and Pokémon alike? That sounds like a pretty intense weapon. What pushes society to build such weapons? War. Whether you’re looking to prevent one or win one, it all stems from trying to improve upon your strategy from a war you’ve already fought.

And last but not least, let’s look at the more historical parallel that slaps us in the face right at the beginning of our journey: Ash, a young man, is forced to leave his family to go on a far too dangerous quest at the ripe age of 10. What does that sound like to you? How about when Spartan boys were sent on a similar quest at the age of 7 or 6 in some cases? Of course the Spartans had it a little tougher, but you get the point. This is how you battle test the next generation! Sure it’s pretty barbaric but we’re talking about a world where they capture wild animals, enslave them in a small orb and force them to do what we say or else we store them in a computer for the remainder of their days.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Great Pokémon War Theory. It’d be fun if they made a “rated M for mature” game where you actually fight to the death with Pokémon. Make it a third person, GTA style game but set in one of the PokeRegions. You can take my money right now for that.

Hopefully you got some nice nostalgia blasted into your veins with a little twist after reading this. While I’m not sure which PokéTheory I’m going to tackle next, I can promise you it’s going to be dark…as all these things tend to lean. Maybe we’ll do Cubone wearing the skull of his dead mother. Who knows!

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