Tonight Is The Night..It’s Draft Day Baby

Sound the alarms! Fire the cannons! Strap ‘em down! Hide your kids, hide your wife! The NFL Draft is upon us!

As a Patriots fan, our blood is normally too rich to care about trivial things such as this silly draft nonsense, but now that our God has abandoned us, we’re forced to live and die by these picks like the peasants we used to point and laugh at. It’s not fun and I don’t like it one bit.

The past few weeks had me begrudgingly listening to people like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay trying to figure out who the hell the Pats are thinking about and how that player would fit on the team. There have been more college football related searches on my phone in the last month than I’ve had in my entire 29 years on this Earth. Hell, I’ve even been doing the unthinkable…looking at mock drafts. Puke. Second only to Mel Kiper, mock drafts are the worst part of this time of year for the NFL.

But dread it, run from it, destiny still arrives all the same. And the Patriots destiny is to…give no one any clue what the hell they’re going to do. Trade up for a QB? Stand pat and take a defensive player? Trade back!? Who the hell knows. The bukkake of reports claiming the Patriots will, won’t, haven’t thought about or are planning to trade up or down are making my head spin.

But at the end of the day, I think, realistically, there are 3 options…

Trade Up for Justin Fields. Or Trey Lance, but smart money is on Fields. Of course, I am basing my opinion solely off of what I’ve heard and read about the kid because I could not care any less about college sports (side effect of growing up in New England where out pro teams were just so damn good that no one had time for college sports). Justin Fields seems as can’t miss as they come. But then again, we all thought the final season of Game of Thrones was going to be “can’t miss” and look how that ended up.

But if the Patriots really are looking to get the guy of the future, they have the draft picks and dance partners to do so. Detroit (7), Carolina (8) and Denver (9) are all likely set at QB for the time being, so those are your potential landing spots right there. And the scuttlebutt around the league is that it would take the 15th pick, next year’s first, and a mid round pick in order to hop into any one of those spots. And if I’m Belichick, I jump on that quicker than Robert Kraft would jump at a happy ending.

The Prodigal Son Returns. Bill Belichick loved Jimmy G. And it’s safe to say that the fire which burns in his loins is still raging for that handsome son of a gun. But while the head coach is clearly smitten, there’s been a weird uproar of Patriots fans who would rather catch COVID than see JG10 back in New England. And I just don’t get it. Weren’t we all clamouring for our old friend last season? What the hell happened!?

I have a theory: New England sports fans HATE local media. Hate, hate, hate, loathe entirely. So I think when the schmucks at the Globe, WEEI and 98.5 started picking up on this rumor, Pats Nation rebelled against them, and in turn, gave the cold shoulder to Garoppolo. 

Listen, I get it. Jimmy hasn’t been the model of health recently. In his 4 years in San Fran, he’s only had one full season while not eclipsing 6 games played in the other 3 years. But is that because he’s a Fragile Franny or because he was trying to do too much/didn’t have protection? Depending on who you go by, almost every ranking system had the 49ers O Line ranked in the middle of the pack. Jimmy would be coming to a Pats team who are sure to have a Top 3 line for years to come. You don’t think that’d help keep the Golden Boy healthy? And we all saw the weapons he has to work with going forward, right? So let me ask you, what’s so bad about Jimmy G coming home?

Of course, the major hitch with this is what San Fran wants in return for their current starter. They initially wanted a first (HA!) but now reports are saying they’d “settle” for a second…which is what they gave up for Jimmy in the first place. I’m not sure Bill would ship off a 2nd for Garoppolo, but if that price comes down to a 3rd and 5th or something like that, you have to assume Bill pulls the trigger. And with a $25 million cap hit, the contract would obviously have to be reworked, but Belichick has done that before with a plethora of players so that’s feasible. 

And lastly, the big plus about getting Pornstar Jimmy is that you free yourself up to use your 15th pick however you want. Surtain? Waddle? Horn? Smith!? You can pick up a potential franchise player at corner or wide receiver AND sure up your QB position if you go this route. I’m in. 

Trade Back. Full disclosure, I may assassinate myself if the Patriots do this. Listen, I know Belichick fucking LOVES trading back. He loves it almost as much as he loves winning. But please, PLEASE, for the love of God Bill, don’t trade back. In all likelihood you hopefully won’t be in this spot in the draft for a long, long time, so take advantage of it!

Honestly, there would have to be a catastrophic failure on all counts for this to happen in my eyes. Everything would have to fall perfectly unperfect: No teams want to trade with them. All the players they targeted with a first round grade are taken. Kyle Shanahan ends up murdering Jimmy G like he threatened to earlier this week. It’d take an apocalyptic event for this to happen………OR it may just take Bill going “eh, I don’t like what we have here, let’s see what value we can get with this 15 shall we boys?”

Personally, taking a look at everything, I believe the Patriots trade up with the Lions and snag Justin Fields. I know Trey Lance has been floated around, but there seems to be a lot of smoke around Fields to the Patriots, and I will do whatever it takes to fan that flame into a gorgeous brush fire that burns the NFL world to the ground.

The King is coming back to regain his throne baby. Winter is coming, bitch.

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