Belichick’s Offseason Is A Patriots Fans Wet Dream…And The NFL’s Nightmare

Out of the almost infinite different types of porn out there, Patriots Porn is far and away my favorite. This team gets me going like no other and this offseason has been like watching football erotica unfold before my very eyes. I don’t know what to do with myself. Do I cry, laugh, take a cold shower…maybe all three at once.

As Patriots fans we’re used to 3 or 4 pickups every offseason with maybe one that will really get the juices flowing ala Revis/Gilmore/Moss, but for the most part it’s a pretty tame time around here. But THIS season was different. It had to be.

With holes at quarterback, tight end, receiver, linebacker, offensive line, defensive line and the secondary, this was a roster more void of talent than any we’ve seen in New England. And no, that is not an indictment on the team or how they’ve handled their roster. How many Super Bowls have they been to in the last 5 years? I digress..

Bill Belichick had to make moves and the then tour de force that unfolded was one only he could do (literally, only the Patriots could with the cap space they had) and filled every hole (the porn analogy really was a great one huh?) on the team and STILL left himself with money to sign their draft class and a few other depth pieces.

That was like the appetizer to the main course though. It’s always nice to see names CHOOSING to make the trek North of the Wall, but the real test is when we hear them actually talk about coming to the Pats. We all immediately turn into seasoned FBI agents capable of telling if they’re actually happy to be here or if he just came for the money. Well, the Patriots twitter account has been releasing interviews with each new addition to the team and uuuhhh…just take a look

Sweet baby Jesus, I’m spent. Every. Single. Guy. Just genuinely elated about being here. Bringing up the tradition and atmosphere and what it MEANS to be a Patriot. It’s truly Patriots Porn.

The one nice little thread that connected most of the players that may come to a surprise to many Patriots haters out there seemed to be the one and only, Bill Belichick. Which is strange because I’m old enough to remember a time where everyone said NO PLAYER would come to New England in free agency now that Brady was gone and the Grinch-like, “No Fun” Bill was running the team.

I love seeing the mental gymnastics beat writers and reporters everywhere are doing by completely bypassing that “Belichick can’t draw anyone!” argument and moving right to “Well, these signing aren’t as good as you think!” argument.

The dumb get dumber I suppose. Get ready everyone. You feel that cold gust of air? That chill going down your spine? That’s Bill Belichick and his team getting ready to go on Revenge Tour 2021. Buckle up.

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