Bill Gates Wants To Block Out The Sun

If I’m being honest, up until today, I never gave a shit about Bill Gates. He was always just some dweeb-looking, wicked rich dude who invented Microsoft. Never thought about him for more than maybe one second every year. He wasn’t even a real person to me. He was just a name who I’d see in “Richest People In The World” magazines or shows. 

But on Wednesday morning everything changed. On March 24th, 2021, I became Bill Gates’ biggest fan.

Hell yeah. Fuck the sun. Out of all the fueds I have, Me vs The Sun is #1 on the list. It makes everything too damn hot which, for someone like me who is constantly warm living in Florida, is a big problem. I’m sick of showering the sweat off, getting out of said shower and immediately having another coat of new sweat on me. It’s insufferable. Not only that, but this “block the sun” movement would drastically lower my A/C bill in the summer! It’s a win-win!

Also, it gets in my eyes constantly. Without fail, no matter where I am sitting, I catch a glare right in the face. I’m not even being dramatic. If I’m in the car the sunlight finds the one spot my visor doesn’t block and stays there. Or it shines off the small piece of chrome on the outside of the car and blinds me through the window. If I’m on the couch watching TV, the blinds will open juuuuust enough for the sun to  find a way to violate my eyeballs and I’m sick of it. Yes I have sensitive eyes, but that’s neither here nor there. The sun blows. I don’t care for it one bit. So when I heard Billy Boy wanted to BLOCK OUT THE SUN, I was all in quicker than I’ve ever been all in on anything in my life.

Do I fully understand how he’s going to accomplish this? Nope. Not one bit. But from what I gather, the plan is to spray a shit ton of non-toxic calcium carbonate dust into the air, which would help reflect the sunlight out of Earth’s atmosphere causing a mass cooling effect. What’s non-toxic calcium carbonate? Couldn’t tell ya. How would that even work? That’s for the big brains like Bill to worry about. I just care about results.

Are there risks? Of course! But what ground-breaking inventions aren’t a tad bit risky, huh? Apparently it could cause a severe temperature drop that could kill thousands of crops and livestock while also triggering a new Ice Age, but the keyword there is could. It could also fix our global warming problem and, more importantly, make my day to day life a little less annoying. That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

And not to mention, what happened the last time we stopped a genius, billionaire from doing what he thought would save the world? We got Ultron. Don’t let Bill Gates be the Tony Stark of our generation. Please.

The more that I think about it, I wouldn’t even mind a severe drop in temperature. I love the cold. I also love when it’s dark outside. You’re telling me I can get both of these things all in one value meal? Again, where do I sign? I got plenty of sweatshirts, warm socks and winter hats ready to go. I’m from New England, the cold has never bothered me. I will sit outside and welcome it like the Starks in Winterfell. 

Winter is coming baby.

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