DinoDongs

Dinosaurs are such a mystery. We like to think we know a lot about them, and what would happen if we replicated them and let them run wild on humanity, but we really don’t know shit about our giant ancestors. I mean, a couple years ago I saw something that said they all might have had feathers and that threw me for a loop.

But there’s one real question that many of us have thought but don’t have the balls to ask: What type of artillery were they working with? And when we’re talking penises, might as well go right for the big swingin’ dick of the Jurassic, the T-Rex.

“And it is possible monsters such as the mighty T.Rex had massive bendy penises.”

Aw man, a bendy one? Really? I was hoping we’d get some proof that these guys dragged their manhood on the ground like a caveman dragging his big club ready to knock someone out with it. But no, we get bendy boners which, if I’m reading this right, could change colors? Like a peaCOCK to attract a mate?

“This colours the skin and would allow the sort of displays and signalling still used by baboons.”

Imagine a T-Rex seeing another lady T-Rex across the way and waving his 10-foot long dong like he’s trying to track down a relative at an airport? Woah baby!

Also, love the subtle shoutout to ducks.

“It would be difficult for heavy and often spiky dinosaurs to mate without one — and so they may have had an extra-long and flexible appendage like that found in ducks”

I have dozens of these things running around my apartment complex and little did I know they were packing an “extra-long, flexible appendage”. The more ya know!

P.S. What?

“The breakthrough came when a museum fossil turned out to have a well-preserved cloaca, a pelvic cavity seen in birds and crocodiles.

Most birds do not have penises and mate with a brief cloacal kiss, allowing just enough time to transfer sex fluids to the female.”

Did anyone out there know birds DIDN’T HAVE DICKS!? Just a quick pelvic thrust just long enough to drop some bird babies in the female and they call it a day! Strictly business. How terrifying would it be if birds DID have dicks though? “Oh what’s that? A bird pooped on my shoulder! Wait a minute…that’s not poop…”

P.P.S. Which dinosaur do you think had the biggest one? T-Rex is an easy pick, but I feel like the Ankylosaurus was packing HEAT. Not sure why, just looks like a unit.