The Bathroom Chronicles: Vol. 1

The bathroom is always an adventure for me. It’s very rarely just a “walk in, take it out, do your thing and leave” situation. I’d say 50% of times I use the bathroom, it generally turns into some weird ordeal. 

I’ll let you marinate on what an “ordeal” could mean when it comes to me in the bathroom, but the situations I’ve put myself in when it comes to the little boys room span a very wide, strange spectrum. 

So anyway, I got trapped in the bathroom today.

Now, not “trapped” in the sense that I was locked in and couldn’t get out. I very easily could have gotten out and there’d be no reason for this blog. But when you’re as socially awkward in certain situations as I am, you panic and, well, this is what happens. 

I’m at work today and get up to go the bathroom. Just #1 you crazies, no one #2’s at work unless it’s an emergency. Not that I would be able to go anyway. My butt literally does not function when I’m at places I don’t feel comfortable going in, but that’s another story. So I’m on my way to the bathroom and I open the door hoping no one else is in there. I hate when people are in the bathroom when I need to go. It just feels weird. Feels like something, as a society, we should figure out. Why do we need to be at arm’s length with people while I’m exposing myself? Unnecessary.

Jackpot. I’m all alone. But as I walk in, I don’t hear the door shut behind me. I hear footsteps. The nightmare begins. Obviously I don’t turn around to see who it was because that too, in my mind, would be awkward. Eye contact in the bathroom? No thanks. 

This is where the self inflicted wounds start. Instead of just going to the corner urinal and taking care of business, I go into the stall. This a decision I immediately regret because not only does it corner me to my imprisonment in the bathroom, but now this guy who came in behind me thinks I shit at work. Which is the last thing I want people to think!

But hey, it is what it is, let’s just get this done and move on with our day Mike. I take one look at the toilet and…it’s a disaster. I’m not getting into details but someone must have had some Taco Bell today. And I know that because the proof was left to sit and stew in the toilet along with an absurd amount of toilet paper. Whoever caused this fecal murder scene must’ve been one of the ingrates who bought up all the toilet paper at the grocery store judging by how much was used in this instance.

Back to the problem at hand though, I really had to take a piss. Like, “Woah why did I hold this in for so long my bladder is going to explode” levels of anguish here. But I couldn’t open the stall and go out to a urinal because that would be the baffling to the guy who saw me step into the stall in the first place. He’d probably think I’m some maniac who just wanted to pee next to him. So that option was out the window. 

So I waited. Toilet flushes. I waited some more. I’m not sure what this guy was doing at the sink, but with the amount of time he was taking and the noises he was making, he was doing far more than washing just his hands. But he ended up shutting the water off soon enough and it was almost my time to shine.

BUT THEN, just as I had my hand on the lock ready to swing that bitch open and finally go the bathroom, some other douchebag walked in! Come to find out it wasn’t just one person, though, it was two! TWO OF THEM! Why the hell is the bathroom so busy right now? Why am I always in these types of situations!?

And of course these two don’t just go to the bathroom. They’re clearly friends so they’re chatting it up with no piss sounds to be heard. I know this because I tried to keenly tune my hearing to only pick up the sound of urine hitting porcelain. It took a few seconds but we finally got some action, all the while these two chaps were squawking their beaks like some chatty Kathy’s. How do you people talk while going to the bathroom? I can’t even look at someone while relieving myself or else everything just shuts down and stops working. I have a very shy bladder.

The saga continues.

They’ve now finished going to the bathroom (I know because they both flushed the toilets) but now they’re just talking! Not even while washing their hands! They’re just…talking in the middle of the bathroom. It was at this point that I took a second to realize what I’ve done to myself: I’m self-trapped in a bathroom stall with a toilet that’s borderline overflowing with shit while trying to listen for other men’s piss/bathroom movements all so I can get out and actually go the bathroom myself. I did not see myself getting into this situation when the day started.

I did think to myself like, hey, just open the door and go take a piss. But I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to. I’ve been in this stall for far too long that if I walked out and went to the urinal while these imbeciles were still in there, they’d think I’m a freak. I just started this job, I don’t need be known as the “weird bathroom stalker guy”. And if I wanted to just leave the bathroom and come back in a few minutes, I couldn’t just leave the stall without flushing the toilet. Then they’d think that I was either just hanging out in the stall or I don’t flush the toilet when I’m done. Neither are great. But as you know, there is NO WAY I’m flushing this toilet and risking a flood of this bathroom.

So once again, I waited. 

The two eventually left WITHOUT washing their hands, by the way. I know what shoes they each have on though because, like the psychopath I am, I looked under the stall to see if I recognized them when I was getting angrier and angrier that these clowns weren’t leaving yet.

But when I got out I couldn’t match their shoes with anyone in the office so I still don’t know who the dirty-handed sociopaths are who decided to just have a long as convo in the middle of the bathroom while they KNEW someone else was in there with them. Oh well.

Anyway, I finally got out, took care of business and went along with my day. Moral of the story is don’t be afraid to piss next to people. 

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