Some Nicknames Should Be Banned

Let me start this by saying I’m already not the biggest fan of nicknames, okay? I’ve been called many things other than my name, Mike, and only one of them have stuck: Sully.

Michaelangelo. Chief. Pal. Bro (on a non-joking basis). Mikey. You name it, I sure I don’t like it.

But there’s one above all else that really get’s to me in most cases, and I don’t know why: Boss. Do not call me “boss”, okay? It almost never comes across as any other way than you sounding like a complete and utter condescending asshole.

Case in point: I went to Wawa this weekend to grab some lunch and an energy drink. You didn’t need to know what I was doing there, but I’m a scene setter. Since it was lunch time, it was relatively busy. So when I get in line, it’s backed well past the registers and bleeding deep into the store. Right in front of the fridge doors. This is an important detail.

I get in line, standing on the cute little circles they stuck to the floor 6 feet apart obviously, and I notice the guy in front of me feverishly, and rather intensely, looking in the cooler next to him. I never even noticed his existence until that very moment. So of course, my first thought is, “Hmmm, is this guy in line or is he just in my way while he’s looking for a drink. And he best not think he can just slide in ahead of me if it’s the latter.” Come to find out, our thirsty friend was in fact in line searching for a beverage. I’m cool with that! Even if you have to alter your spot in line real quick just to grab your selection, I’m fine with that too! And guess what? That’s what our mystery man did. He said “Excuse me” on his way back to the last cooler in the store, which was behind me.

Side note: no idea why he was looking in the drink section then. The coolers he went to have ice cream and tasty treats like that. If you’ve been to that gas station ONCE you know that. So that kind of annoyed me. Just be smarter.

But the real issue here comes from the douche that was behind me. A young fella who I actually encountered out in the parking lot prior to our future confrontation inside Wawa. I was pulling into a spot and this human snail decided to take his sweet ass time walking through the spot I was very clearly trying to park in. Not a pep to be seen in his step, leaving me blocking someone else who was trying to back out of a spot. So this walking nuisance was now hindering TWO people’s day. I should’ve known right then and there that he was going to be a problem. 

Fast forward to the incident at hand. Out of nowhere, not 1 second after the guy in front of me departed the line for his ice cream or whatever, this impatient dink behind me goes, “Hey boss, you in line or…?”

“WELL EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME SIR. How about you back the hell back 6 feet before I pull my mask down so you can be sprayed with my spittle as I berate you for not waiting a god damn minute for me to move forward. And why would you even ask if I’m in line? You’ve been standing behind me for 3 minutes now. Do you think this is just where I stand when I shop? Do you think I didn’t notice the line of people that gathered behind me and say to myself, “huh, that’s weird, wonder what this is all about?” Yes you idiot. I am very clearly in line and I am milliseconds away from stepping forward. Hold your horses.”

Now, did I say any of this? Of course not. I simply ignored him and stepped forward. I’m no menace, there was no need to cause a scene.

But it wasn’t the fact that was an impatient turd simply asked me the question that got me going. It was the fact that he called me BOSS. And like I mentioned before, it always comes across in a condescending, annoyed way! This guy could have genuinely been asking if I was in line, but all I heard was “Hey shithead, you gonna move up or are you just an idiot?” All because he said “boss”, crazy right?

And what if I wasn’t going to move up, huh? What if I was waiting to see if my new acquaintance was going to be coming back to his spot as he was just quickly running to grab something he forgot? You don’t know what our plan was. There have been plenty of times where I’ve had to ditch a line REAL quick to grab a drink or something, and I’ve almost always been graciously allowed back to my spot with open arms. I do my best to return that favor, bucko!

But this gas station villain behind me wanted none of that. “Oh you forgot a small tub of vanilla ice cream for your pregnant wife at home who is feeling sick and can only keep down cold snacks? TOO DAMN BAD!” – is what I imagined he would have said in his head had that situation presented itself. 

At the end of the day, this entire issue could have been sidestepped. I wouldn’t have had to write this blog and the world would never know about my stressful trip to get a salad and Monster on Sunday. But when someone calls you “boss“, something needs to be done. So do yourself a favor, let’s drop “boss” out of the nickname rotation from now on. And hopefully you’ll never be remembered like that Wawa Boss Bitch will now forever be remembered in my head.

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