I love sausages. As a kid growing up, I was not a fan though. For some reason I thought they were going to be spicy because I must have had a spicy one at some point in my life and I swore off them for good. I used to (still do) turn into a little bitch boy when it comes to spicy things, so sausages were off limits.
But now that I’ve grown out of my weird sausage-phobia and ventured into the world of all different types of sausages, and I love em! I just love sausage! I don’t think I’ve ever thought about eating them all day, everyday though. But that’s what we have here:
Well then..I guess 15-year old Ben SIMPson is what one may call, a SIMP for the sausage.
But before we get too deep with the sausage puns and inevitable sexual sausage jokes, Ben’s mom, Wendy Hughes, may be one of the worst mom’s I’ve ever read about..
His limited dietary preferences began when his mom, Wendy Hughes, began weaning him off breast milk.
Oh so she messed her sons life up VERY EARLY on huh? I mean, front tit to meat stick. Wow. Go on..
Hughes, 55, told SWNS that she was at her wits’ end by the time she called David Kilmurry, a cognitive behavioral hypnotherapist who believed he could shake the teenager’s bizarre eating habits — a clinical condition called avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID).
As a child, he ate only “finger food,” such as French fries, his mom said. This had a profound impact on his social development: At parties, “he would just sit there, crying, or he would refuse to go where the food was,” she recalled.
“If we went to a friend’s house, he just wouldn’t eat anything,” Hughes added. “He’d say he wasn’t hungry and it was just a nightmare.”
Oh the HORROR! Your child didn’t want to eat what you wanted him to eat!? What a unique problem you had there Ms. Hughes! How can a parent deal with a child who fusses over what food is put in front of him!? And you mean to tell me he only wanted french fries? Arguably one of the best basic foods out there? No way.
Coming from someone who still, to this day, doesn’t like ketchup, is very skeptical about trying new foods and still enjoys pasta with just butter on it, I can tell you that this is certainly not a unique problem to have with a child. In fact, I wish my parents made me eat a wider variety of foods growing up. If that was the case, maybe I wouldn’t have had to wait until my 20’s to try new foods.
Wales, spent approximately $75 per month on a specific brand of skinless “bangers.”
Skinless bangers. That is all. Let’s continue..
“I get fed up with buying them,” she said. Meanwhile, it became apparent that his health might be deteriorating, indicated by his frequent “complaining that he is tired,” and falling behind in school.
In what could be the shocker of the year, Ben’s health may have possibly been deteriorating due to his diet of solely sausages all day and night.
This is the ultimate excuse for doing bad in school though. Something I wish I wouldn’t thought of.
Parents: “Michael can you please explain to me how you are failing every class this year!?”
Me: **teary eyed for sympathy** “Mom..dad…I really don’t know! I mean I do all the work obviously! I think the sausages may be to blame. That’s the only explanation I can think of..”
By using “subliminal wording” and “neurological seed drop” to create a positive emotional association with new foods, Kilmurry said he was able to “open the mind” to trying them, so that the idea of new flavors will feel “exciting,” and mitigate anxiety over potentially “yucky” tastes.
You want to know how most kid’s “open the mind” to new foods? They’re forced to eat them by their freaking parents. It’s called good parenting. Or making sure your kid doesn’t become a sausage fiend and you’re forced to resort to fucking hypnosis in order to fix your mistake.
You know when you see big fat cats or dogs and you look at them like “Oh my god how could this animal eat so much!” And you blame the animal when it’s really the owners fault for letting their animal eat so much? This is the same situation. As the adult you’re supposed to monitor what your child eats. Don’t tell me it’s too hard either. Otherwise we’d all be stuffing sausages down our gullet until we’re filled to the brim with meat sticks.