Watching little kids try to do sports will never not be entertaining. This video is no exception.
Why is this an event? Who knows. But any video that brings me as much joy as this one has doesn’t need an explanation.
Let’s start from the right and break it down:
Red Shorts: The real athlete of the group. Probably going to grow up and get some sort of track scholarship. He’ll be that weirdly skinny but still muscular kid in school like most track people were you know? And I say that with no disrespect! It’s cool to be able to see every single one of your veins! What’s with the legitimate track star in the green shirt that comes chasing after him by the way? He’s actually the real star of this clip. Look at the wheels on that kiddo!
Red Shirt, Black Shorts: Amazing effort my man. This is the type of kid you want to be in the trenches with if you ask me. He was doomed from the start, and I blame the parents. Who teaches their son to run like this? Quick little bunny steps!? Doomed from the start! But look at the heart of this little warrior. Takes a nasty tumble, gets back up and has the smarts to say “fuck it” and run around the hurdle knowing that no one is gonna say shit to him because of the fall he just took. Tough and resourceful. This is the kid I want on my team.
Green Shirt: You gotta feel for this kid. Looks like they had a pretty good release with some real momentum and some douchebag runs into their lane. Props to this kid for not forearm shivering that other little shit in the back of the head for ruining their time to shine. Not sure who won this race, but Green Shirt deserves some sort of ribbon if you ask me. And not one of the ribbons that everyone else gets just for particiapting.
Striped Sweatshirt: Fuuuuuuck this kid. Did he/she have some sort of beef with Green Shirt? I mean from the opening tip he/she didn’t even try to hide what their plan was. They went into this race looking to not only screw up Green Shirt’s start, but have the audacity to STAY in their lane the entire time! Disqualified sir/ma’am and a lifetime ban from childrens hurdles.
Orange Shirt: I think a career in academics may be the best route for this little tyke. Because based solely on his multiple jump attempts, I just don’t think that sports is going to be his forte. And that’s fine! I think this kid would agree with me too by the way he just stands still after his second leaping attempt. Go back inside child, you know this isn’t for you.
Black Shirt: This is the kid who get’s duped every time a teacher gives a “pop quiz” where the directions at the top say something like “this is a fake quiz, if you’ve read the directions put your pencil down and wait…” meanwhile this brainiac is rifling through every question like he’s Mr. Know It All. Just blows by the first obstacle like he’s playing a different game than everyone else, realized what he’s done, goes back and throws a preposterous jump at this hurdle. I’ll say this though, guys got some speed.
White Shirt #1: You know how they say “work smarter, not harder”? This kid is the living embodiment of that phrase. Were there any rules that explicitly stated you had to JUMP over the hurdle? Or was there a little more gray area than these rule-makers realized. This is the Bill Belichick of children. Bend the rules just enough, but don’t break ’em.
White Shirt #2: Wait, wait, WAIT. First of all, I didn’t even realize this kid existed until my like, 20th time through this clip. Secondly, did we just witness White Shirt on White Shirt crime? Maybe White Shirt #1 wasn’t the genius I previously made him out to be. Maybe he’s the biggest dick of them all and was trying to physically harm, maim or otherwise incapacitate his fellow White Shirt brethren. Props to #2 for somehow dodging his assailant and soldiering on with the race. There’s no place for antics like the one #1 was trying to play here. He deserves to be on the sidelines with that scoundrel Striped Shirt. Can’t have that kind of foul play ruining this great sport.