Do Not Ever Ask Anyone These Questions…Ever

I feel like at this point as a society we have evolved past the point of pleasantries. No one cares. Just get right into the conversation, you know? I do the whole “Hey, how are you, good morning, blah blah blah” nonsense too, but I don’t really care what you say. I’m just trying to open the conversation so I can get to the point.

But if you do feel the need to have a conversation opener or some unnecessary thing like that and you find yourself asking any of the following questions, you’re a crazy person.

I mean, this has to be a joke right? No one is actually walking around asking these questions as an ice breaker. Hell, I don’t think I would ever ask another living person these questions at any point in time to begin with.

Let’s do a little rundown of these blasphemous questions to ask another human. And you have to remember, these are substitutes for someone asking “How are you?” So to open up a conversation, this lunatic wants to you ask this:

How have you been sleeping?

Worst question to ask someone. Ever. Look at my face, how do you THINK I’ve been sleeping? The answer is always “shitty”. It doesn’t matter if you got 1 hour or 8 hours of sleep, it’s never good enough. Doesn’t matter if you slept through the night or if you woke up a couple dozen times throughout, you’re never satisfied. If you find yourself waking up saying “ah wow, would ya look at that! I slept super well last night!” Pinch yourself because you’re probably dead.

What color is your heart today? Why?

What type of hippy-dippy ass question is this!? What color is my heart? It’s red with anger because you’re asking me this damn question! Go back to your drum circle in the middle of a field and ask your other weirdo friends this question, weirdo.

What story are you telling yourself today?

I mean…what? Is this an insult? Are you trying to insinuate that I’m living in lala land and lying to myself to try to hide from my miserable life? I think I’m offended by this question. But maybe I’m not? This one confuses me too much, don’t ever ask someone this.

What lies do you find yourself believing?

What the hell! This is like the question I just went over! Are you trying to say that I’m just oblivious to my shitty life and I just go throughout my day making up stories and lying to myself? This is an unanswerable question anyway. If someone is lying to me and I know they’re lying, I’m obviously not going to believe it. But if I don’t know they’re lying, how can I say I’m believing their lie when I don’t even know if they’re lying in the first place! Screw you. The lie I’m believing today is that I want to talk to you to begin with.

What thoughts have been circling your brain?

Oh excuse me, are you my psychiatrist? Yeah hold on, let me just blurt out my deepest darkest insecurities or problems real quick. The thoughts in my brain are for my brain, not yours. Because trust me, when I tell you how pissed off I am that you’re asking me these weird questions, you’re gonna want me to put my thoughts back in my brain.

How can I support you?

I’m a grown, independent man who doesn’t need no support from YOU. Thank you very much.

What are your top three feelings today?

Angry, tired and annoyed. That’s a good general answer for every single person who works a full time job. If it’s Friday or the weekend, maybe I’ll swap out tired with excited, but that’s only on rare occasions. And are you sure you want to know? Because what if I say, “sad, depressed and suicidal”, hmmm? Where you gonna go with that one bud? You just opened up a can of worms that you are hardly equipped to handle.

What have you done just for you today?

I decided to never talk to you again.

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