Stop Asking People For Directions

Talking directly to the people who are reading what you write is normally a big no no when it comes to writing blogs, but humor me for a second.

Reach next to you or in your pocket and grab your phone. Open it up (use the button on the bottom if you’re still operating out of the stone age) and go to your GPS. I don’t care which one you have, Waze, Google Maps, whatever, just fire it up for me. Is it working? Good. And you’d presume anyone who has a cell phone nowadays, which is everyone, has the ability to do what you just did, right? Great, glad we’re all on the same page.

So let me ask you this: Why the FUCK are people still running around asking people for directions!? What is wrong with the psychopaths!? I’m sorry for the vulgarity but I’m irrationally angry.

There are legitimately only a handful of things in this world that piss me off more than when people go, “Okay and how do I get there?” Ummm, I don’t know, maybe use the handheld supercomputer in your God damn pocket!? What do I look like, Dwight Schrute? “Exactly 156 paces from the light red mailbox you’re gonna want to take a left. If you hear a beehive, that means you’ve gone too far!” Screw you.

Listen to me right now, if you ever find yourself having to resort to asking ME for directions, just give up. You’ve failed your quest. I am not too proud to say that at any given moment, I am supremely confident that I have no idea where I am. Even at my home! Sure, I know the address, but if you ask me if it’s next to “Street X”? You’ll get a thousand yard stare from me.

It infuriates me to no end! And don’t you dare use your age as an excuse either. You oldies need to learn how to use your GPS too. If you have a cell phone with the capability to tell you where to go and I hear you ask for directions? You’re my enemy. I will literally always have it out for you and question your judgement with every decision you make. You’re telling me you trust a human being more than a computer that uses SPACE SATELLITES to find you the right directions? Are you kidding me? How many times have you heard the phrase “human error”? Conversely, how many times have you heard the phrase “space satellites error”? I rest my case.

I seriously wish that if you were one of the poor souls asking me where to go, that I could give you the complete opposite directions so you just end up being so late to where you’re going that you just go home and effectively ruin your day/night. The only issue here is, as I stated before, I wouldn’t even know the wrong directions to give you because there’s no chance in hell I’d know the correct directions to give you the opposite of.

And in writing this, I think I’ve gotten to the bottom of why I hate when people ask me for directions: I suck at directions and I’m pretty insecure about it. This reminds me of a revelation I had a couple years ago about why I hate Christmas. My birthday is exactly 7 days before Christmas. Do you know how much that sucks as a kid? As much as no one will ever admit it, I totally got jipped on presents year in and year out and that, subconsciously, has forced me to become a real life Grinch.

You know when a guy looks to his girlfriend or wife and says they’d be lost without them? I would quite literally be lost without my fiance. I can’t imagine being in her shoes every weekend when we make our monthly trip to Aldi for our Keto-friendly bread (yeah, we diet #HealthyCouple) and constantly having to deal with me asking which way to go. After 3 years of living in the same apartment, all I’ve gotten it down to is taking a left out of our complex. From there things get a bit murky and I start to get annoyed with myself.

I imagine this is Nicole looking at me every time I ask her where to go.

If people asking you for directions doesn’t annoy you, then you are likely a living GPS and should be proud of your wizardry of directions. But if you’re a dumb dumb simpleton like me who just floats through life hoping they see a landmark that reminds them where they are, I feel your pain. Sometimes I look around driving and think to myself, “wait, have I ever been on this road?”, and it’s really just the same road I always travel. Only difference is that it’s dark out.

So if someone ever asks you for directions, you are well within your rights to look them dead in the eyes and say “Oh I’m sorry, do you think I’m smarter than a machine? How about you check your GPS jackass.”


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