2020: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I’m done with 2020. And I know all of you are as well.

Threats of another World War. Volcanoes erupting. A Pandemic. The Government admitting the existence of aliens (HOW IS THAT NOT A BIGGER STORY!?). Parallel Universes. And now this:

A gang of monkeys attacked a laboratory assistant and escaped with a batch of coronavirus blood test samples

2020 will be the year that Rise of The Planet Of The Apes became a documentary, not just science fiction.

What a terrifying story. A GANG of apes!?

***google search***

The scientific term for a group of apes is actually a “shrewdness” which…doesn’t sound as badass, so we’ll stick with gang.

Anyway, the apes have been sitting back watching us attempt and fail to destroy our civilization for far too long. They’ve finally decided to take matters into their owns hands. Whether they distribute the actual disease itself or consume it and become super-apes, this almost certainly marks the end for us, no?

Have you seen an ape? Imagine if they mutate or start to have higher brain function? And I’m not even talking about regular sized apes that would already almost certainly destroy us. I’m talking gorillas people. There’s not a weapon on this planet that would stop a gang of apes, gorillas and whatever other primates you can think of from taking over the world.


Tell me who’s stopping these guys from overthrowing humanity. I’ll wait…

Hold on a minute..THESE are the guys who stole contaminated virus blood?

Men give bananas to monkeys gathered on the side of the road

Monkeys get on a motorcycle to eat fruits from a box during a the lockdown in New Delhi

Eh..not quite as intimidating as I though but I still don’t like the odds of surviving an attack from those little shits. An ape is still an ape.

What makes this even more horrifying is that more and more of these guys have been seen gathering where humans hang out in Delhi. If animals are already trying to take over, we don’t need to give them some sort of virus that’ll likely turn them into blood thirsty, conquering primates.

Don’t think that’s a possibility?

A senior biologist from the Tamil Nadu Forest Department previously warned that if this did happen, the mutated virus could have a devastating impact on primate species and other wildlife which prey on them.

“The point is, we have very little understanding of the virus, and it is better to limit our interactions with wildlife till there is more research done on its effects on non-human primates and other animal species,” he told The Hindu.

I mean, yeah this could wipe out an entire species, which would be the worst case scenario BUT…we don’t know exactly what this will do the other species. Mutation?

So I go back to my main point: Apes are going to take over the world. Caesar 2021.


Which honestly, at this point, would that be such a bad thing? We very clearly can’t handle it anymore, so why not let another species get a shot? What’s the worst that could happen? The world plunges into chaos? Umm, take a look around friend, we’re well past that point.

I think it’s just time to put Earth up for sale. Our time is over here. Elon Musk better get his shit together because I got a nice spot on Mars picked out. Give it 10 years and Earth will essentially look like it was ripped right out of I Am Legend.


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