Florida Man Is Undefeated Part 3: I Paint Houses

Florida has officially opened (whatever that actually means) and it’s obvious that Florida Man has been stirring for far too long and he’s ready to attack anyone, anywhere for any reason.

Even for paint at Home Depot.

First and foremost, I have to ask, what the hell Jerry!?

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As if I needed another reason not to go to Home Depot, this is it. The last time I ventured to that weirdly-smelling place it was a nightmare. I had to rent a carpet cleaner and I was confused the entire time. Both with which one exactly to get and how to make sure it fit in my car. The guy could’ve game me a tile cleaner and convinced me it was for carpets. I’m simply not a handyman and I’m okay with that. I have one hammer, a screwdriver somehwere (phillips AND flathead) and a bunch of random nails in my apartment and that’s all I need to survive.

Now that I know that I could potentially be involved in a paint-can induced scuffle while trying to figure out which aisle sticky Velcro patches are, you bet your ass I won’t be stepping foot inside a Home Depot anytime soon.

But enough about me, this is about Home Depot and the troubles it brings. The store is too confusing. It frustrates people to no end and by the time they finally leave that hell hole, they’re ready to fight. And it just so happens that one angry crew met another angry crew outside and chaos ensued. Though this was hardly a fair fight. Jerry is a God damn giant compared to everyone else.

David and Goliath in real life. And I’m pretty sure our David here is like, 60 years old?

This was unfair from the start. And add to it that Jerry’s team had a guy wielding A FUCKING SHOVEL and swinging it like a madman, our two underdogs didn’t stand a chance.

So just to recap, we have a big old white guy picking on a puny old man, his psychopath friend trying to legitimately murder someone with a shovel (even though they seemed to bury the hatchet by the end of the video somehow) and one room that definitely didn’t get painted that day.

P.S. The title of this blog is perfect. “I paint houses” is a quote from the Jimmy Hoffa book/Netflix movie and it’s gangster code for you’re a murderer. Florida Man isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty and bash some heads in. And…..paint.

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