Gatorade Debate: The Nipple Reigns Supreme

So this little Gatorade Ranking swung by my Twitter feed today and I gotta say, everyone is really battling for second place here, right?

It does not matter what decade you grew up in. Nor does not matter what sport you played. There was and is nothing like getting off the court, field, ice, couch, etc. and wrapping your lips around that perfectly shaped nipple nozzle and chugging some Riptide Rush.

Quick aside: Riptide Rush is hands down the best flavor of Gatorade. Glacier Freeze comes the closest but is still a distant second here. Lemon Lime is a classic but it just lacks a certain…panache to rank too high. Cool Blue was alright and Fierce Grape was a personal go-to, but neither of them are anything to write home about. And Fruit Punch shouldn’t even count. Fruit Punch is a flavor that literally every other drink has. Oh, and get the FUCK out of here with any of those new, hip flavors. Icy Charge? Arctic Blitz? Those are like sequels that no one asked for, but we got anyway. Looking at you Amazing Spider-Man.

Anyway, ’04 is hands down the best Gatorade delivery service right to your mouth. The bottle was ribbed for your gripping pleasure, the nipple was a perfect “one size fits all” for all the mouths out there and it also allowed you to squeeze some directly into your mouth from a distance so you could impress the crowd and feel cool.

Now that the #1 spot has been solidified, let’s just run through the years real quick:

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Listen, I get the whole “there’s no school like the old school” but let’s be honest here, I have never once seen either of these bottles in the wild. Not once, not never. I’m not even sure they ever made it out of those black and white pictures of Florida Gators sidelines. If Gatorade was in a bottle, but no one was around to see it, did it really exist?

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These belong in a lunchbox and that’s it. I used to squeeze the shit out of these puppies and take it all in one gulp. Get on my level. Also, I remember it being easy to poke the straw in the hole so ’89 get’s points for that. No Capri Sun poking around here.

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I don’t really remember this one quite as much as some of the other ones, but I can tell you one thing: those types of tops suck. I have nightmares of being a kid and hurting my teeth trying to bite it open because the damn thing used to always get stuck shut. It’s essentially a knock off twisty nipple before the twisty nipple was even a thing.

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Ah yes, the OG bottle in my eyes. Nothing special. No tricks. Just a container with  regular cap and a good sized opening. Not too big to where some of it spills out the side of your cheeks and not too small to where you’re stuck contemplating if you should put your top lip in the opening or essentially deepthroat the entire top. If there is a second place, this one takes the spot.

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Crafted by the Lord himself. Perfection.

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So my issue with this one has always been the size. It’s far too girthy for what it needs to be. Why is it so thicc? I still have yet to come across a cup holder that can handle this big boy. And that’s a problem. This may actually be sneaky one of the worst designs here.

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I get what they were going for here, clearly trying to update the horrid wide-set bottle from a few years prior, but it just seems like they overthunk it. The brainiacs at Gatorade obviously wanted to go for a striking silhouette, but all they did was throw a waist trainer on the bottle from ’09. And guess what? I STILL CAN’T FIT THIS DAMN THING IN A CUP HOLDER! Never go for flash over substance.

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Do the people at Gatorade HQ not use cup holders? What is their weird fetish with no longer making bottles that can comfortably fit in a regular cup holder? I don’t get it. And by the way, I’ve only seen these bottles in two different places: NFL sidelines and sporting goods stores. Disqualified. I need to be able to buy you at a gas station if you want to even be in the conversation of best Gatorade bottle. Step your game up.

Let’s just go back to the twisty orange nipple and maybe this world will slowly start to fall back into some realm of normalcy.

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