Friday The 13th Battle: Michael Myers vs Jason. Who Ya Got?

Today is Friday the 13th so I’m sure all the crazies will use this as an excuse to act crazy and say it’s because of a full moon or something. But if we’re talking Friday the 13th crazies, the conversation starts and ends with Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees.

Both had their debuts in the early 80’s and both have had seemingly endless amounts of shitty sequels. Remember Jason X: Jason Goes To Space?

But in their heyday, these two were the behemoths of terror when it came to slasher flicks.

Which begs the question on this sacred day: Who would win in a fight to the death?

Both are towering figures. Always depicted as these tall, hulking individuals, So you gotta call that a wash. Neither man has much of an advantage over the other.

Another similarity is head/face protection. Michael wears a mask which, although it’s not made out of anything sturdy, still gives him some protection. Jason on the other hand has a hockey mask. And that thing has taken some damage over the years. You don’t think that’ll be able to handle a few blows from Mike? At the end of the day, I’d take a hockey mask over a rubber mask any day of the week and twice on Friday. Advantage Jason.

Even though Jason does seem to move a little bit quicker than his counterpart, Michael always seems to just be in the right place at the right time. Can’t close in on a victim when he just keeps popping up behind bushes or close doors. And there’s just something terrifying about a killer just confidently taking his time walking towards you. Advantage Michael.

Now once we get into the actual battle, shits gonna get wild.

You know Jason is gonna have his trusty machete with him and that baby has taken the lives of many camp counselors over the years. Michael will probably use a carving knife or some other object he can get his hands on, but I don’t see it helping that much.

Michael Myers is a murderer that has always been trying to get to one person: Laurie Strode. Take away his motivation to kill and you’re left with just your run of the kill, but dumb brute who doesn’t mind killing. If the Joker never had Batman, he’d be done killing. Same thing comes into play here.

Jason, on the other hand, just wants to kill any and everyone. Teenagers. Adults. Men. Women. Animals. Doesn’t matter. We’re talking pure rage here and that’s something that can’t be stopped.

Even if you have a motivated Myers, there’s no way a violent version of Sloth from the Goonies is gonna take out someone who’s been killing ever since he jumped out of Crystal Lake all those years ago.

After a grueling slobberknocker, I think Jason finally stops playing games and wins with ease by cutting both Michaels arms off, ripping off his mask and driving his machete through the top of his skull.

Jason Wins via Knockout.

P.S. Dont give me any bullshit about Freddy Krueger being in this conversation. Unlike that knockoff Edward Scissorhands, these two don’t need you to dream about him for them to take your life. Freddy is creepy for sure, but he’s just not in the same league as these two.. Miss me with that nonsense.

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