The King Is Back

Truly and White Claw are the hottest things in the Spiked Seltzer streets right now. Everywhere you look you got something sponsored by Truly or an Instagram pic of a couple basic bitches sipping on the Claw. But their reign has gone on long enough. The OG is back and he’s taking no prisoners.

Four Loko coming out with a Seltzer is the equivalent of heroin being repackaged as gummy candy. You take something so potent and delicious and you make it seem less lethal. And make no mistake about it, 14% ABV is lethal as shit. I have yet to dabble in the heroin arena, but me and a Four Loko go together like Red Bull and vodka. And now they have a seltzer? Which presumably won’t have the same rough taste you have to get through with a regular Loko? Sign me the hell up!

I feel like we’re slowly getting back to the original Four Loko’s which were basically poison in a can and were causing serious health problems to people trying to do the “Four Loko Challenge”. That was where you, for some ungodly reason, try to pound FOUR of these guys in one night. The most I’ve ever had is one and a half and I was in my own little world at that point. I can’t believe attempting to have 4.

The difference between pregaming with beer as opposed to a Four Loko is night and day. If you get me pounding down a few Bud Light Limes before a night out, we’re all good. It’ll be a regular night filled with your classic shenanigans. If you pump me full of a 4L before going out? I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that I will be taking off on my own adventure before the night is over. Stealthily sneaking away from the group without warning. Where? Why? Couldn’t tell ya. Only the Loko knows.

I’ve only had a few Spiked Seltzers in my life, but I’ve enjoyed each one of them. Now you add even more alcohol and caffeine to them? This may be the best decision a beverage company made since Coca-Cola took cocaine out of their drink. Which is funny because Four Loko Seltzers are likely to be the equivalent to liquid cocaine.

I have no idea when these will be coming out or how common they’ll be in stores, but you gotta think Phusion Projects (the company that owns Four Loko) will want to penetrate every gas station, Wal-Mart and liquor store known to man with these things. Four Loko has a cult following that’s just waiting for the day they can get their hands on these babies.

I’m not sure how many flavors or how good these will actually be, but I do know one thing. I will be bashing two of these over my head Stone Cold style the day they get released.

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