Florida Is A Death Trap

Shoutout to Erica Haase for bringing this terrifying story to my attention and worrying for my safety

With each passing day, Florida finds new and impressive way to scare off people from living here. And with each passing day, I continue to ask myself why I’m one of the idiots that still call this state my home.

I mean look at this:

An alligator. In an apartment. Just waiting for you to get home so he can murder you in cold blood.

I can understand if I’m out in their environment frolicking around, that’s fine. If I come into your territory you have every right to scare the shit outta me and possibly attack me. I’m cool with that.

But this!? Apartments are NOT places where alligators should be hanging out!

The article itself is pretty entertaining too. At one point this lady, Mary Wischhusen, woke up at 3:30 a.m. cause she heard a crash in her kitchen. When she got there she described a ‘beautiful face’ staring back at her.

Sorry Mary, maybe we have different definitions of beautiful, but a freaking alligator with a billion teeth ready to shred me to pieces is not my idea of beautiful.

Oh, and what did Mary do when she saw this beast? Naturally, she ran into her room. But did she freak out and panic and pace back and forth waiting for the gator to break the door down and eat her? Nope. Not our Mary.

“I was hyperventilating a little, so what I did was I went on the computer and played games to settle down.”

Our tough old broad decided to just play a little Galaga to pass the time while there’s a mindless killing machine right on the other side of the door. Balls of steel on this woman.

The best part of the article though was her response to why the alligator may have been trying to break into apartments:

“He was really tying. But it’s mating season,” she pointed out. “They’ll try anything.”

Woah woah woah. This lady is insinuating the gator got so horny that he had to seek out a human to bump uglies with!? I’m not even sure how that would work!

“They’ll try anything.” She says it almost as if she’s had an alligator make moves on her before. You dirty girl Mary, you dirty dirty girl.

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