The Perfect Team For Queen James

If you follow the NBA, you know that Lebron James is in the streets whoring himself out to try to get a few stars to join him (even though he said he was gonna take a backseat when it comes to recruiting players) so he can make his path to the Finals as easy as possible. You know, the same type of thing he did when he put his tail between his legs, left the city he called home and went to Miami to start the era of Superteam’s.

But, being the nice person I am, I’ve done his job for him. Bron Bron should be used to people doing his job for him though. You know, like when it comes to closing out big games in the Finals. Ray Allen against the Spurs in 2013. Kyrie Irving against the Warriors in 2016. God, has Lebron ever done anything on his own?

Anyway, like I mentioned, I put together Bron’s team for him. Positions will likely move around as the year goes on, but here’s Lebron’s perfect team:

Starting Lineup:

Kyrie Irving: Of course this entitled, wannabe superstar is gonna go running back to Bron Bron like the spineless waste of talent he is. It’s already being reported that Kyrie is starting to come around on the idea of joining his big brother again, so this is kind of a no brainer. The only difference is, this time, Irving is gonna sense blood in the water with Lebron getting a little long in the tooth, and when he tries to usurp power from the fake King, that’s when Lebron will go on instagram and post some subliminal message and thus starting the great war between Kyrie and Lebron.

That’s one of the main reasons Lebron craves a star like Kyrie on his team. Irving has made the big shots that Bron Bron doesn’t have the balls to take. Lebron also knows that Kyrie is coming back knowing that the grass in not greener for him without Bron, so he knows he can manipulate his former Cavs teammate even more than before.

Anthony Davis:

Lebron James is going to ruin Anthony Davis. And he will do this one of two ways. He’ll either stunt his growth by, instead of keeping Davis as a focal point of the Lakers, he’ll turn him into a glorified Chris Bosh. Or, Bron Bron will shatter the young stars confidence by making him take the last shot (since Lebron hides behind ‘making the best basketball play’ instead of trying to take the bull by the horns). This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but once the former Pelicans star starts costing the Lakers wins, you’ll see Petty Lebron come out and simultaneously watch the demise of young Anthony Davis.

Anyone notice how, up until now, Davis has been universally liked BUT once his name started to get brought up with Lebron, all of the sudden the fans are turning on him? Yeah, it’s not a coincidence.

Kyle Kuzma:

Poor Kuzma. He’s gonna be the only one left over from Hurricane Lebron. See, when Lebron James comes to town, you better start packing your bags. James is gonna tear through your team like the self-righteous monster he is and all that will be left is what he chooses. Kuzma will make the cut, but he ultimately will live to regret it.

He’ll put up some decent numbers, maybe even come up big in a few playoff games, but Kuzma will live in a state of perpetual unhappiness until his two years are up on his contract and he can leave the clutches of Tyrant James. Or he can just wait until old age takes Lebron away and then become a pillar for the Lakers organization for years to come.

JaVale McGee:

McGee is already on the team and while his contract is up, there’s no reason he can’t be brought back at a bargain price. JaVale will be a serviceable center as the Lakers start the season, but he will inevitably be a part of a few mid-season trades as Lebron puts the blame on everyone else and forces the front office to trade away pieces to help him out. McGee will sadly be cast away by the False King when he whispers into managements ear that it’s time to start trading away players midway through the year.

As for the bench, let’s be honest, these guys aren’t really gonna matter. When Lebron goes full Mad King-like crusade haflway through the season and starts trading players away, almost all these players will be sacrificed.

At the end of the day, Lebron James needs scapegoats on his team. He needs players that he can blame when the Lakers inevitably crumble next year. But those players also need to be good enough so that when commentators blame them, that blame doesn’t seem misplaced. These supporting characters are good enough to warrant criticism since more is expected out of them. I mean, if you surround ol Bron with a bunch of no names, no one is gonna bat an eye when they don’t produce and the Lakers suck.

Those players also need to be talented since, as we all know, Lebron likes to pass the buck when the game gets to it’s most intense. While other legends would call for the ball and put the team on their back, Lebron would rather watch from the corner as the second or third star on the team tries to do his job. Back in my day superstars were just built differently I guess.


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