So as you all know, I went to New York for a few days last week. The main reason was to visit Barstool Sports HQ which was everything I could’ve ever hoped it’d be. I won’t go on and on about that right now though, you can read about all that fun stuff here. But I ended up staying for a couple days afterwards just to enjoy the city and all the cool stuff up there. Let me tell ya, New York is a uh…it’s an experience. I will say this though, the city is gorgeous at night. Well, if you look up at all the buildings that is. Cause if we’re being honest, most of New York is a filth filled trash bucket that has a scent which can only be described as fried food mixed with a hint of shit. Not figurative shit either. Literal shit. And piss.
New York, to me, is what would happen if Boston had an older, steroided out brother who never showered. There’s too many god damn people walking around who seemingly have never been taught how to walk in a crowd. It has its cool quirks though…or at least I’m sure it does, I just didn’t get to see them on my trip. But what I DID get to see was a lady go apeshit in a pastry store because her cake wasn’t done on time. Classic “EXCUSE ME! I NEED TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER RIGHT NOW!” This isn’t something that is specific to NY, but I just figured I’d throw it in there.
Anyway, we did the normal stuff while we were there. Typical tourist things. Went to the Empire State Building which was really cool and kinda freaked me out for a second. Like, being up that high, what would happen if the building just toppled over like a Jenga tower? Would I pass out before I smacked into the ground or would I just be conscious for the entire incident? Would I just hold onto the railing before I hit the ground or would I be smart and try to land on my head to end any potential for survival? All thoughts that ran through my head for about 20 seconds before I came back to reality.
Went on a Ferry for the first time too. That was pretty cool too until the continuous gust of wind made me a bit more chilly than I was comfortable with. The Statue of Liberty is actually really small compared to what I thought it was. I mean, you have a city full of giant ass buildings and then you have this tiny little statue of a lady that just gets dwarfed by the skyscrapers in the background. I almost felt like the ferry was half the height of it, which I know it isn’t, but it’s just how it felt.
The entire time on the ferry though all I could think about was this:
Actually, Spider-Man was on my mind for a lot of the trip. I kept looking up and imagining how cool it’d be to see Spidey swinging through the skies.
“Hey Spidey!” I’d yell to him. And he’d give me a wave or a salute of some sort to let me know that he knew I was there and how big of a fan I am. I’d smile from ear to ear knowing that my favorite superhero knows who I am.
Anyway, I also finally got to see the World Trade Center Memorial which was beautiful. The waterfall is amazing to look at but once you get closer it becomes a much more somber experience. Seeing the names all around the border of people who lost their lives that day is such a sad thing to think about.
But other than all the interesting ‘first time in NY’ sights, I have some other just random thoughts about the City That Never Sleeps. First and foremost, I hate that nickname. Most cities don’t ever really sleep. There’s always stuff going on or people walking in the streets. Kinda a lame, outdated nickname.
I also never knew thought there’d be so many people trying to shove things in my hands or trying to sell my random shit as I walked through the streets. Don’t get me wrong, I knew there’d be a good amount of that, but I mean this was just ridiculous. For instance, when we came out of the Empire State Building a random Buddhist dressed like a Monk appeared out of nowhere, almost as if he was waiting for us. With a big smile on his face he put a random bracelet of beads around our wrists.
He kept smiling and saying “Sign here, sign here” so of course, like an idiot, I signed. And then he kept saying “donation? donation?” At the time, I didn’t really know what he was saying cause he kept pointing to other peoples names and saying “donation” like he was pointing out that they made a donation. So I just nodded and said “Yes, yes donation. Yes.” Wrong move. He just stared into my eyes waiting for ME to make a donation! Long story short, this ‘Buddhist’ got like $8 from us! I got freaking hustled by a Monk! A statement I never in my life thought I would say.
This was not the only street hustle that happened to me. There was some dude who just shoved his demo CD right in my chest. Forced me to take it! Hindsight, I didn’t have to take it, I could’ve just kept walking. But again, like a buffoon, I took it and engaged in conversation. Bad idea. He kept saying how he’s an aspiring rapper and is just out here passing around his CD’s. But then he was like “obviously I don’t charge anything for it but I’d take any donation, any little bit helps…really any little bit…” Fuck. I got got again! So I passed along $5 and walked away with my head hung in shame. I can’t believe this happened twice!
Literally, for the rest of the trip, I either walked with my head down, ignored people, or did this weird smile/nod/mumble thing whenever people would try to hand me shit. I felt so uncomfortable I hated it.
Other than getting bamboozled by street shysters, I figured out that uh, crossing the street in NY is bananaland. People just walk like they don’t have a care in the world. And they don’t even get fazed by people beeping their horns! I understand taking calculated risks crossing the street, but these people have no regard for their own lives.
Since we’re talking about the people of New York, I have a question. With the amount of restaurants and places to eat, why the hell were the lines for McDonalds and Burger King out the freaking door constantly!? I don’t get it.
Oh and if you have to go the bathroom while walking the street of The Big Apple, you’re absolutely screwed. Over half of the places you walk by don’t have bathrooms available to the public or if you just happened to stumble upon a place that DOES have a public bathroom, the line is 15 people deep. I don’t get what people do in the bathroom. Go in, drop your pants, do your business and leave. Should only be number one anyway, cause if you’re taking shits in public bathrooms in New York then you have a problem. Control your bladder and suck it up. You can hold it until you get back to your hotel or apartment. Luckily my bodily functions essentially shut down when I’m in a strange place so this wasn’t a constant problem for me, but it effected me enough to put it in here so..
And I’m being serious with the body functions shutting down by the way. I kid you not, I did not go number 2 the entire time I was in NY. That’s four (4) days. Baffling. I don’t even know where all the shit goes when you don’t cycle it out of your body. Do you just absorb it and just have shitty insides for the time being? Does your body go into ultimate survival mode being in a foreign place, so it just postpones your urge to poop as a part of some weird primal instinct? I’m not sure how it works, but I was thankful.
The people of NY though really weren’t as annoying as I thought they’d be. And the subway wasn’t this terrifying nightmare like everyone made it out to be. Maybe cause I was only on it in the daytime when the crazies weren’t out and about, but I just don’t get all the hubbub about it being scary and whatnot. I mean, I felt dirty holding onto the poles but that’s typical in any subway.
All jokes aside though, I could see myself living in New York if I had to. Like, say a company up there that I love wanted me to move up there to work or write blogs or something like that, I definitely would. I wouldn’t be happy about it, but I totally would. Just saying. It was nice actually being cold for the first time in a long time and not sweating my ass of just walking outside for a couple minutes like I do here in Florida.
Until we meet again New York, goodbye. You suck.
P.S. I get that plane tickets are expensive, but I don’t think I’m gonna fly Spirit Airlines anymore. Not sure if any of you have flown Spirit, but it’s like a knockoff version of an airline. The seats aren’t the best, the A/C never really blows out completely cold and there were a few points on our flight back that I legitimately didn’t think our pilot was paying attention to keeping the plane steady. Just saying, maybe next time I bite the bullet and go Delta or something.