BREAKING NEWS: Lebron Killed Magic

Lebron James is a team killer. Where he goes, destruction follows. Bron Bron doesn’t care who is in his way. He will not stop until he, and only he, is the face of whatever franchise he scurries off to. Wherever he goes he leaves a trail of bodies like he’s basketballs version of Thanos. Except in this reality, Lebron ‘Thanos’ James deperately seeks the acceptance of other superstars and urges every one of them to join him so he can make his path to greatness as easy as possible. Thanos at least had balls to do everything himself. Lebron is sackless.

Thanos thought what he was doing was best for the world, but in reality he was just a tyrant hell bent on destruction. That can be directly compared to what Lebron has done and continues to do to the NBA. He started this whole SuperTeam Era. He has made it okay for NBA players to be bestest friends and take cute little vacations together. He is also the one who is slowly ruining the NBA.

Let’s take a look at this shall we? Lebron started his career in Cleveland as a wide-eyed rookie with the weight of the world on his shoulders. In his second year he took his team to the NBA Finals, aaaaand got swept by the Spurs. Whether it was the realization he needed help in order to win or the fact that teammate Delonte West was on the verge of becoming his step-dad, he eventually decided to jump ship from Cleveland. But in classic Bron Bron fashion, he couldn’t just do this without making it a grand event. Remember The Decision? I don’t care what kinda spin he or any of his pundits try to put on it, that was the move by a complete and total sociopath and I don’t wanna hear any differently from anyone. Classic narcissist.

He then ‘took his talents to South Beach’. Sure, he won (only) 2 titles with the Heat, but his entire tenure there was filled with chaos. Players were getting shown up left and right but couldn’t say anything about it or else they’d feel the wrath of Queen James. Bosh is a spineless superstar who will do whatever he is told and Wade is his best friend, so James knew he had full control down in Miami. I don’t wanna hear how Erik Spoelstra had the respect of Lebron, because there were numerous occasions where he would show up his coach because apparently Lebron is all-knowing and can’t be told anything. That’s a good attitude to have and teach kids who look up to you.

Bronny Boy then decided that he didn’t want to be the villain anymore and said to himself “you know what would make everyone love me again? If I went back to the city that I said I loved but then dumped like bad habit!” And so there it was, Bron said he was going ‘back home’ and that he was going to bring a title to Cleveland. And he did just that! Woohoo! Good job Lebron! ONE title for your hometown! That’s enough right? Don’t wanna spoil them TOO much. And once he sucked all the good will from Ohio, he decided to take his overrated ass to LaLa Land.

Now personally, I loved the move. As a Celtics fan I have a deep rooted hatred for the Lakers so to see the player I hate the most go to the team I was born to despise was a welcome sight for me. And so far everything has gone according to plan if ya ask me. He has completely ruined that team. He’s drained all the young, promising players of all their confidence as well as making it known that he would trade each and every one of them to get Anthony Davis or any other superstar he can team up with. Right as he was on the verge of getting inevitably getting his coach fired, this bombshell gets dropped on us tonight!

Look at that face. That is the face of a defeated man. The #LebronEffect.

This man just won’t stop until he has turned everyone to dust! HIV couldn’t take down Magic Johnson but you know what did? Lebron fucking James. I’m not saying Bron Bron is as bad as HIV, but how long has Magic lived with that disease? 27 years. How long did he live with having James on his team? 9 months. I’m just sayin’!

The moral of the story is, if Lebron James is looking to your team as a possible destination, run the other way. Run and don’t look back. You do not need him. The Warriors are doing fine without him. The Rockets are doing fine without him. The Celtics are doing fine without him. The Sixers are even doing fine without him. What do all these teams have that Lebron James does not? More games left to play. In case you didn’t know, the Lakers, lead by Lebron James himself, did not make the playoffs this year. What a god damn embarrassment that is. What a god damn embarrassment HE is.

Can we all agree that Lebron doesn’t care about basketball anymore? He went to LA for one reason and one reason only: to further his acting career. He reportedly has multiple movie roles in the works which include a sequel to Space Jam. James can’t come close to Jordan on the court, so I guess the only way he can really beat him is in Hollywood. What he has done and will continue to do to the good people of Los Angeles is borderline criminal. He went there under the guise of wanting to bring prominence back to the basketball team, but all he has done is cause problems and get arguably the most well-liked athlete in LA history to leave his beloved squad. It’s sad really.

You and I both know who needs to be brought in to save the Lakers to take Magics place. LA’s favorite son. The Black Mamba.

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