Florida Is Taking Aliens Seriously

Flood insurance. Car insurance. Life insurance. And now Alien insurance. It’s about god damn time, I say. The St. Lawrence Agency based out of Altamonte Springs in Florida has decided to take things seriously and is now offering people insurance for getting abducted by aliens.

I gotta give it to Florida for stepping up here. This state is finally doing something smart and sensible. Or at least one person is. At first glance this seems like a dumb thing to do, but think about it for a second. What happens if and when you do get abducted huh? You’re gonna want some insurance for that shit to help you and your family out while getting through it all. A little bit of peace of mind for you when you’re up there getting your anal cavity probed, you’ll know your family and loved ones are being taken care of.

Now, when I say ‘Alien Insurance’, what am I talking about here. Well let me tell ya. Mike St. Lawrence, owner of the insurance company, is offering a whopping 10 MILLION dollars worth of coverage. He’s sold over 6,000 of these policies! The details of these things are outrageous too. On top of the 10 mil you’ll be receiving, you actually get double that if, and I quote, “…should the extraterrestrials request any conjugal visits, provide offspring or attempt to eat the policyholder.” Lot to unpack there. Conjugal visits? Are these aliens really gonna come from hundreds of light years away just to meet with the girl next door to get their rocks off? What a cocky race we are. Providing offspring? Oh so now we’re not using protection with these things? I mean, most people don’t use protection with human on human sex so I guess we can’t expect any to be used during alien fornication. ATTEMPT TO EAT THE POLICYHOLDER!? Mr. St. Lawrence really has thought about everything hasn’t he?

But can any person just randomly come in and say that they’ve been abducted or something like that and just expect some money in return? Oh no no no, that’s not how it works over here. You have to provide some sort of proof. What kinda proof you ask?

St. Lawrence has paid at least two claims since 1987. One man supposedly had an object implanted in his body that was tested by someone at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. That counted as proof enough for St. Lawrence, who paid him annually for about eight years before he lost track of the man.

The other was a man who said he was abducted and also had proof: a completely black Polaroid picture, the supposed inside of a UFO.

“He had written in the margins of it, ‘This side up,’ ” St. Lawrence said. “Because he got (the humor), I approved his claim.”

The first one seems legit. You had a respected institution check out an object you thought that may have possibly been shoved inside you by extraterrestrials. Makes sense. That second one though, ya gotta have higher standards than that my man. I don’t care if this policy is half done in jest, you can’t accept a blank picture. Although, the guy writing “this side up” is hilarious so I can’t really fault him for accepting that as proof.

This all sounds great right? If you can ‘prove’ you’ve been abducted by aliens then you get all the money that you could ever want. There’s a little fine print action going on though.

If you’re wondering how he can afford $20 million for the two men, he doesn’t have to pay it all at once. The policy pays out the $10 million in distributions of $1 per year for 10 million years.

Oh what the hell! 1 dollar every year for 10 million years!? That’s the biggest bait and switch I’ve ever seen, and I’m a car salesman so I’ve seen a few bait-and-switches in my day. Regardless though, we’re one step closer to getting actual aliens abduction insurance and that just makes me laugh.

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