How’s THAT for a headline amirite!? There’s no bait and switch here by the way. The story I’m about to tell you legitimately has all 3 of those things in it. But first, you need a quick background on who this is about.
First and foremost, I know this gentleman would not appreciate his name being used here. So we’ll just call him Buddy. Buddy is an older Haitian gentleman I work with. I think he’s about 60, but Haitian people age like fine wine so for all I know he’s in his late 70’s. Anyway, he’s an old school car salesman in that he wears a suit to work everyday, rain or shine. Whether it’s 50 degrees and rainy or 90 and humid, this man always shows up dressed to impress. His stories are always ridiculous as well, but you know they’re true with the details and conviction with which he tells them. I swear to god he used to be a pimp or something back in his day. This man’s autobiography would be amazing. We constantly try to get Buddy to go out with us when we all go out drinking but he always says he’ll go next time. Well, this was ‘next time’ and I think we found out why he doesn’t go out.
Story time. So, Buddy gets invited to a strip club in Orlando by a couple other salesmen at work. To everyone’s surprise, he accepts. Unfortunately I did not attend so everything I say from here on out came straight from Buddy’s mouth. They get to the strip club after working until 9 and begin to get drinks and have a good time. One of the salesman he went with basically calls the strip club his second home, so they were given extra attention by the talent. Buddy claims that at one point there were ‘two big round butts’ right in front of him, but, Buddy being a classy man, claims that these women do nothing for him. He just went there to enjoy time with his coworkers…I call bullshit, but that’s what the man says. He also calls stacks of money ‘loaves’, like loaves of bread. He said that at one point the other salesman went and ‘grabbed two giant loaves of money and had them in front of him. And he just kept placing them in front of him and the women would come right up to us! They were in love with us!’
Here’s where it gets interesting. At about 12:30, Buddy decides to call it quits. I believe he said that the other two salesmen ended up staying but they still wanted to make sure that he was okay to drive. Now, we all know he wasn’t, but he did what all of us do at one point or another. He told everyone ‘of course’ he was fine to drive and proceeded to get behind the wheel, take 4-5 giant deep breaths and he was good. Mistake #1. Buddy states that as he was driving home he somehow ended up taking a different way. And I’m like, yeah of course you did, you were drunk as shit. You probably missed the turn and just kept going wondering why everything looked so much more different at night as opposed to in the daytime.
Anyway, he ends up on Orange Blossom Trail. If you don’t live in Orlando, then that means nothing to you. If you DO live in Orlando, then you know what’s about to unfold. You see, OBT is where the….ladies of the night do their business. This is where our friend makes mistake #2. He somehow ends up pulling over and inviting one of these women into his vehicle. Things got a little blurry here when Buddy was describing what happens next but here’s what I understood from his story. A short time after he scooped up his sweetie, she mentioned that she knew somewhere they could go and keep the party going. Of course Buddy was excited about this possibility and told her to lead the way. Mistake #3.
They end up at a random (trap) house with about 10 people hanging out there. They went inside to continue the night. Mistake #4. Buddy describes the environment as a fun place filled with people drinking a lot, smoking something other than cigarettes and also maybe doing other recreational drugs. Our Haitian friend only partook in the former and MAYBE a bit of the devil’s lettuce, but none of the other stuff. The exact details of what went down throughout the night aren’t clear, but I want you to picture something for me. This man is, like I mentioned, old enough to be these kids grandfather. He’s dressed in a suit like always, dress shoes and all, while they are all dressed normally. I’m envisioning a college-like party going on like you see in the movies, all while this elderly man is hanging out in the middle passing the bong around while chugging Bud Light Platinums out of a funnel.
One of the guys says he has to go get more alcohol but doesn’t have a car. What does our overly gracious Buddy do? He offers up HIS OWN VEHICLE to the guy. And the only thing he does to make sure this is all on the up and up is make sure the kid has a license. And just like that Buddy’s car was gone and he was left at the house on his own with a couple other heathens. I guess at around 4:30, he started to get worried about the location of his car. He ended up going outside to call a cab and they locked the door behind him. What a shitty group of kids to do this by the way. Buddy is one of the nicest, helpful people in this world and these losers took advantage of him.
Long story short, Buddy got his car stolen and had to miss work two days in a row before the police finally found it. Today is his first day back from his weekend adventure and I for one couldn’t be happier. All jokes aside, shit like that is how people get killed. They easily could have robbed this man and took his car. I legitimately wish bad things on the people who did this to him and I hope they get what’s coming to them. But, Buddy is fine and he had his car detailed and everything. Everything is back to normal.
I guess the moral of the story is, if you are over the age of 60, don’t go to the strip club and then pick up a street worker late at night and allow her to bring you back to her trap house with her shithead friends. And definitely don’t let people you JUST MET drive your car to get more alcohol. Stay safe out there guys.