I Was A P.I. Last Night

As a car salesman I tend to wear a lot of hats. Sometimes I need to be a financial adviser. Sometimes I need to be a friend. Sometimes I need to be an asshole. But last night I got to wear a hat that I haven’t had to wear before. Private Investigator.

Yesterday at work I started to notice there was a lot of hubbub going on around the front desk with all of the managers. Voices were being raised and fingers were being pointed. It was a real commotion. My General Manager pages all sales to the front desk to let us all know what’s going on. He’s a little indian man so its honestly pretty funny when he gets all worked up. Sitting on his chair, where his feet are about a foot and a half off the ground, he began freak out. Apparently we were missing a vehicle from our lot as well as the keys. A Saturn Vue had just vanished.

Obviously none of the salesmen stole the vehicle or know where it is, so he ends up calling the cops. The cops gets here and they file a report and take a look at the cameras. Long story short, they end up finding out who they believe stole the car. Our GM didn’t have time to go to the guys work so he tasked me and another salesman with the mission. We were obviously 100% down for the job so away we went.

The entire ride there we were bumping pump up music to get ourselves ready. Imagining a situation where we show up and a movie-style car chase breaks out and we end up tapping the Saturn and spinning him off the road. Show back up to work the next day as heroes and share Employee of the Month (which doesn’t exist at my store but they’d create it just for us). Or we get to his job and he runs out and we have to tackle and subdue him or something. Anyway, none of that happened at all.

Right as we pull into his place of work, a restaurant called Teak, guess what we see. THE SATURN VUE! We slowly drive by to make sure it’s the right vehicle. Everything checked out so far. We then parked far enough away where he wouldn’t suspect us. Not that he would suspect us anyway because you literally couldn’t distinguish us from any of the other people walking around. But it felt cool to try to be all incognito and creep up on the car. We called our manager at work and tried to verify the VIN number. We were sure we had the right car. Same color, same year, same everything! I even had another salesman facetime me from the dealership sharing in my excitement. Needless to say this was a pretty big deal if we ended up bagging the perp who drove off with our merchandise.

It was not the right vehicle.

Same exact car, year, make and model. Just not OUR car. The VIN numbers didn’t match up unfortunately. I let our manager know over the phone and he told us to ‘stand down’ and come back to the dealership. We’ll live to fight another day I suppose. But this was not gonna to be the end of our night. We decided we wanted to go to this guys house to see if he was stupid enough to park it there! If we are going to do this job, we’re going to follow through with it god damnit!

Come to find out this was the end of our night. His house was just under an hour away, and it was already 8:15 by the time Operation Teak ended. So, we drove back to the dealership with the wind firmly taken out of our sails. As I type this, we still do not know that exact location of the Saturn Vue.

But I promise you this, if you are out there, you should be warned. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will find you.

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