Respect Bathroom Etiquette

Listen, we all have to do it. Every single one of us has to go the bathroom a few times during the workday. Get in, get off, get out. Just get your shit done (puns!) and get the hell out. Unless of course you’re just sitting in the stall for the last half hour of your shift before you sneak out the back so no one sees you. We all do THAT too.

But there seems to be some confusion on how to act when you go into the bathroom and there are other people in there. I’ve noticed it more and more since I moved to Florida. Now, I’m not saying that this is JUST a Florida thing, but with the weirdos that live in this state, I feel like it definitely amps up the possibility for nonsense in this situation. What am I talking about exactly? Well I’m glad you asked!

First things first, do NOT touch me when I’m peeing at the urinal. I do not need to have any contact with you whatsoever when I am doing my thing. Then all of the sudden it becomes this tandem act where I feel like you putting your arm on my shoulder is somehow you being proud of me for taking a piss. Get the hell away from me. I’m not making this up either. I’ve had a manager at work put his hand on my shoulder, say hello and ask how my day is going while we were both going the bathroom. That’s a step I do not need to take with my manager, or anyone for that matter. And its not just the shoulder touch that I’ll get either. You get the guy that comes in and pats you on your damn back like he’s tagging you in for the Bathroom Olympics Relay Piss Race. This, too, has happened to me. And it resulted in a harrowing experience that I actually haven’t told anyone about since.

A few months ago I was at work and had to go the bathroom. Number 1. I do NOT do Number 2’s at work unless it’s an emergency. Anyway, I go into the bathroom and both stalls are taken up. Damn. I normally go in the stall to avoid the heathens that use my dealerships bathrooms. I really had to go though, so I figured I’d use the urinal real quick and be on my way. I was wrong. The second I get my stream going, another salesman comes in just to wash his hands and he pats me on the back! Harder than I was anticipating. Here’s where it gets nasty. Since I wasn’t expecting to be assaulted while peeing, I lost my balance for a second. When that happened the tip of my ting-ting tapped the back of the urinal ever so gently. I was horrified. I couldn’t even finish going the bathroom. I immediately stopped, washed my hands and returned to my desk. Luckily I was out of work in just over an hour, but that wasn’t soon enough. I had to sit there knowing that, though I washed my hands, that was not the part of my body that needed extreme cleaning from the incident. Urinals are disgusting and if ANY part of your body touches those things it should be cleansed at once. But I had to wait. It’s one of the reasons I now ONLY use the stalls when going the bathroom at work.

There’s another thing that doesn’t need to happen when you’re in the bathroom with someone. Talking. We do not need to talk. I will MAYBE say hello to you if we’re both washing our hands at the same time, but that’s it. Just a brief greeting and then I’m out. Otherwise you get caught in this weird situation where we are now having a full on discussion in the bathroom where I feel awkward leaving because you’re taking forever to wash your hands. Then someone else walks in and thinks I’m just as big a creep as you are because we’re now deep in conversation in the freaking bathroom! Don’t try to carry on a conversation with me! And certainly don’t try to speak to me if we’re both in stalls next to each other. That’s weird! And on top of that, I personally have an issue where it’s extremely difficult for me to go the bathroom when someone is talking to me. Like, it’s almost impossible. Even if I am blackout drunk, my body still has to make sure the coast is clear or else it doesn’t work. It’s annoying as hell and it’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

Moral of the story is, the bathroom is not a place to interact with anyone. Don’t even make eye contact. If you’re one of these perverts who do any of the things I stated above or worse, I hope that you learned a thing or two. No one likes you and you make everyone else uncomfortable with your bathroom antics. And if you are someone like me, just know you’re not the only one. Hundreds of people every day are effected from bad bathroom etiquette. You are not alone. Stay strong.

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